I post my book promos and blog articles to most of the large book groups on Facebook. I think it’s good form to look at what others are posting if I expect them to look at what I’m posting. A few days ago when I did that, chill bumps ran down my back ~ not the good kind.
Book covers with women in various stages of bondage graced book covers on some of the biggest book groups. Pretty models with mascara streaked faces from tears. Immediately, in my spirit, I thought women don’t want this for themselves. This abuse of women and bondage craze in fiction titillates and may even be addictive, but does it satisfy, really satisfy? I think not. Despite all the so-called political and sociological advances its touted women have made, more and more of us are living lives of quiet desperation. I sense women’s souls are starving.
The images of women in pop-culture are horrendous. On the surface women seem to delight in it, but I wonder when they go home at night, shed their work-day power-suits, and sit on the edge of their beds in their Victoria’s Secret undies, are they deeply happy? Do they feel they’ve been respected, honored, valued, that day? Or have they had to claw and fight for place? I suspect it’s the latter. They’ve had to fight like alley cats. I further suspect women are exhausted from the battle.
Honestly, I think most men are confused and disillusioned by women who revel in drinking more straight shots at the bar than they do. Yet reality TV shows depict this every day. The women cast-members drink themselves into oblivion, become disheveled, get into physical altercations with one another, and use incredible amounts of profanity. In real everyday life, I think average Joe’s don’t know if they should take the blotto woman safely home, or just leave her, hoping she’s not going to attempt to drive. They must quake at the thought of making a life with such a lush. Is this what they want for the mother of their children?
When the woman is taken home after a night of excessive drinking, or manages to get home herself, is she happy with herself? Does she feel at peace with herself? I believe we all know the answer to that is an unqualified “no”. So why do women keep feeding on these horrid visual images of themselves in the media?
I believe women are better than that. I believe women want to truly have a high level of self-esteem that comes from a sense of inner worth. I think they want to be valued as women, not as gladiators in a sexual arena. In the two detective novels I’ve written (HARMFUL INTENT and DEADLY DESIGNS) I’ve tried to create in the heroine, private investigator Veronica “Ronnie” Ingels, a woman who deals with issues of self-worth and comes out victorious. In addition, she’s a sassy, competent law enforcement professional. Hero Deputy Dawson Hughes is a strong, capable man who’s grappled with his own pain. One reader said he gives “southern comfort” new meaning. Perhaps because of his southern upbringing, he cherishes women and treats them with deep respect.
Nike N. Chillemi ~ mystery & a merry heart 
AMEN! Nike. I really don’t get it that those books sell so well. Thanks for saying how I feel so well.
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P.T., I saw one cover on one of the FB big book clubs and was horrified. As I posted today, I didn’t see it again and I was looking for it. So maybe they told the author (male) to take it down. Dunno. But, that cover and a few milder ones prompted me to write the article.
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Maybe I am just different now than my friends but I do have friends who have devoured the bondage books and I often wonder what could be lacking. Especially since some of the books they enjoy are well written. I did read some steamy Anne Rice backwhen I was in my confused early 20s. And yes I was very confused. I definitely misread and read perfectly the message that was passed around which was look as sexy as possible and be a yes kind of girl. I realized far later than I wish that I was not “one of the guys” or a “party girl.” Fortunately I am now a cherished wife. 🙂 I don’t need excessive titilation to make up for the lack of love and feeling. Sadly, back in the day, I think I did.
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Kelly, Something has gone horribly wrong. The excessive titillation is addicting. The drinkinng and drugging is addictive. And in the process women are being used and devalued…used up and devalued. They may be having so much excitement they would tell an older lady like me that I’m crazy and don’t know what I’m talking about. But I was once young. I was young at the start of the women’s movement…or nearly the start. And it was wild then. I think if they slow down, they’ll feel the emptiness. So they have to run to the next excitement because there is a lot of emptiness in these young women’s lives.
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In a time when men are so ready to go after the easy lay and expectations for a woman’s looks are so high, women desire to 1) feel chosen despite their faults and 2) let go/break free if these limits. I, personally, don’t like all the bondage, but can see what may drive women to enjoy it in books.
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Meghen, By what you wrote, I feel you are upset by today’s environment. I understand why women in this day are attracted to porn. But men can’t get an easy lay if women aren’t laying. Women have forgotten their real power. One of the most powerful things a woman can do is say, “No.” “No, I’m not going to your place.” “No, I don’t need or want that second, thrid, fourth drink.” “No, I don’t date another woman’s husband.” And, “Yes, I’m worth a lot more than you, sir, seem to think I am.” Who is setting the expectations for women’s looks? Is it TV, magazines? I think women are much tougher on other women than the average guy is. If the crowd is saying ugly things about the way a woman looks, find another crowd.
My husband is a gym fanatic. He goes daily and he refuses to take his earphones out. He can’t stand the way men talk about their sexual conquests at the gym. He absolutely will not shower there. One, he things some of these guys aren’t the cleanest and he doesn’t even want to got into a public shower after them. Young women are having sex with them. Two, in the shower, he’s got to remove the earphones. He says in the shower if the worst talk. That’s where they name names, say exactly what each woman is willing to do, get into bodily functions, and compare one woman’s “ability” to another’s. This is sickening. You might say: Well these are narcissistic gym types. If a woman is dating any guy who hangs out with other bar-type guys or beer guzzlers…the conversation about women will be very similar. The “war on women” is by the culture, the media, advertisers who make make women into total sexual objects. The war on women is not coming from the anit-abortion people who meet up with women after the culture has pushed them to have sex with a loser guy who has abandoned them when they got pregnant. If the woman told the guy she wants to have the baby…just to see his reaction, she’d see ugly, bigtime. He’d become threatening, and might even make a physical attack, especially is he’s got a great job and knows he’d have to pay child support.
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The reason maturity brings a lessening of this type of behavior in both sexes is because we learn to value ourselves and others as something beyond sexual toys to be played with, broken and discarded.
Good write up, Nike.
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Marla, Women are picking up porno because it does titillate. And by doing that it fills an empty spot inside them, a deep loneliness. If they keep filling that spot with porno it will become addictive. When and if they meet a man they think might be a possibility, he will not be able to fill that spot because the addiction to porn has gotten too strong in her life. She’s not in a deeper and lonelier pit. Of course there is One who can get her out of that pit.
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Marla, This was an excellent article and this discussion must be had.
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